Facebook wars. I hate when I get into them. It rarely happens. But when it does…It’s always a doozy. The worst part about Facebook wars, is how hard they are to back out of. So you keep over-playing your hand in an attempt to get the last laugh. But then that’s exactly what the other person is trying to do as well. I know this because I’m a comedian. I’ve been one since the age of 19. That was quite a few years ago. Sometimes I chew on how much more viable I’ll be in the workplace. Comedy tends to be a young person’s game. Unless as Barry Katz, the guru comedy manager is known to utter, “That comic is UNDENIABLE!” Very few of us are undeniable. But there is still room to work the game, mostly.
The backstory. The one thing that comedians hate is another comic who constantly brags about killing. In fact, last year I unfriended a male comic for boasting on Facebook that he killed it so hard in front of the female headliner, that she couldn’t follow him. I’m sorry, but that’s just rude. The correct thing would be to brag about it to others later, but not on social media. A snide remark like that can cost another comic a gig down the line. It’s just not cool. So shoo fly, shoo.
This morning I opened up my Facebook and read a post by a young woman comic that I admire and have known for quite a few years. I had met her upon my return to comedy, at a class for women new to it. I joined the class, as I understood that having been away for almost 9 years in order to raise my kids, I needed to befriend the newbies, so at the very least I could find out where the open-mic stages are in the Los Angeles area, in order to try my new material.
Her post was about not identifying as a feminist. It was a brutally thoughtful post, that at times didn’t square with some women on her feed. Those women including myself were supportive but also called her out. I even hammered her a bit when she talked of pretending to “get it” in order to look smart to all the intelligent women that surround her. Her writing really was a wonderful opportunity to see the struggle that strong young women face in society today. Including the complexity of wanting to grasp at what it means to be at your best, when the cards are stacked against you.
I wrote: You know I dig you and your comedy. But c'mon! The other day, a male comic put up a meme with the pictures of four women from India, who had acid thrown in their faces and asked facetiously, "So what is Hillary going to do about this?" Implying that women should only raise their hands to be heard or point out how unfair things are when it comes to the privileges that men have - like medical research where women only make up a quarter of trials, the privilege to harass, the privilege of safety, the privilege of majority ownership, the privilege of physical strength - only if they've been physically harmed or mutilated by a man. If you are struggling with wrapping your head around feminism, remember that 70 percent of women in the world live in absolute poverty, and government positions in the world held by women is only about 15 percent. This is the crux of feminism. Feminism is a huge umbrella in which all are welcomed. All. It's a natural feeling as a young woman to not want to be identified by your gender, because it's a helluva daunting hole to fight out of. I felt that same way when I was your age. The problem is a vast majority of the world only sees you that way. Slowly it is changing, and you're right that having a pussy shouldn't describe your character. But by playing the card of "I just don't get it." When you have the power of knowledge at your very fingertips, kinda makes you a pussy. Yup, I'm calling you out. You are blessed to be funny, articulate and ballsy! I like watching your adventure, it's going to be a great one!
I laughed to myself when I called her a pussy. Not in a cackle and rub my hands together kind of way. I know her. In the past I’ve recommended her for showcases and gigs. We are comics first, women second. I wanted to make my point, I hoped it made her laugh.
Her response was awesome. She spoke about how guilty she felt about complaining about her struggles as a woman, when so many other women have it worse around the world. She also spoke about examining her deep seeded refusal to acknowledge that anything is wrong. She really has a good head on her shoulders and is curious AF.
Here’s where it gets sticky. Men also piped in their opinions and most were just as thoughtful. One male comic enthusiastically offered up to her, “This is what makes you great and keeps you working while other women type responses to this thread from home. I love you. Heart, heart, heart, heart." This was from the person whom I unfriended last year for boasting all over social media that he made a woman comic eat dirt somewhere out in the wilds of the mid-west. I simply typed “Fuck you.” Admittedly, I still have room to grow a bit.
He immediately responds, “Typing from home? Thanks for calling yourself out. LOL” I respond back, “This is a thread about a young woman's struggle with feminism and being heard and counted for who she is, and your response is that any woman who has an opinion must not be employed and sitting at home. So yes, FUCK YOU. LOL”
He responds with the fact that technically his comment is more supportive of HER post than my response was. Adding, “Those of us that have seen you go up on stage can tell you, your lack of success has nothing to do with your gender.”
Look, at this point in the story you can guess that I’m no angel. I type back, “Yeah you're right. I'm a talentless hack who writes responses from home whilst starring longingly at my American Comedy Award. I'm surprised you're taking time to call me out, with you being so busy all the time bragging about what woman headliner you just blew off the stage. My apologies, perhaps that was last years attitude on Facebook. Hahaha!” I tagged it with, “Oh, and let me guess, are you typing from the waiting room at the William Morris Endeavor Agency?” So please… I cherried it with the dookie emoticon. What can I say, it’s my favorite. Sometimes I am nothing more than a petulant child. UNDENIABLE!
Now we are stuck in a verbal tango. Backing out will be sloppy, so screw it, we both dive in.
Him: Felicia Michaels HAHAHAHA!!! It's amusing how hurt you are by that comment. Mentioning awards sounds sad. Especially the American Comedy Awards because every year every comic is buzzing about the American Comedy Awards. What year did you win that? Was it for a live performance? Btw, I would never call you a hack. Hacks are funny. Are you upset because your "fuck you" didn't have the intended effect? Were you expecting that to be a game changer?
Me: Yes, I'm a grown-ass woman. An unfunny grown ass-woman. Thank you for making life for me clearer. I'll now slink back into the abyss of being awkwardly aged and invisible. But I swear I'll consult you should I ever have a need for guidance. In fact, the next time I wanna know how many syringes of Juvederm I'll need to look like a chipmunk, I'll FaceTime you immediately! Oh shit, I might just be a hack!!!
I did feel a little embarrassed bringing up the Comedy Award thing, but screw him…Ray Romano and Kevin James handed it personally to me on TV. I knew my barb was going to sting, because I once saw him in a club with his cheeks all sorts of effed-up. I understand this, because…Well, you just never mind that part.
Him: Felicia Michaels maybe you're not honest with yourself on all fronts and it's the reason you don't progress. Your age and gender aren't the reasons you don't do well. It certainly wasn't why you ate it at that Montreal showcase a couple of weeks back.
Dread strikes at me. Not because He's right, I really did have a mediocre set for my audition. I’m a professional. You shake it off and move on. But because he is going to be hard to shake now. But until I figure it out, I’ll kept him at bay with my own insult.
Me: Oh dear, a little certain someone has been hiding that comeback in their chipmunk cheeks all afternoon!
But then reason takes over and I add - If we are going to be honest, everyone over 40 didn't have a great set in front of fifteen people that night, including yourself. I dig that you are throwing hearts around to a sweet-ass person yearning to have a real conversation about where they fit in as a strong woman in the world. That's genuinely cool. But what purpose does it serve to slide in a dig at all other women who dare to participate in the conversation and understand clearly where she's coming from, as a lot of us have also felt that way as young women. Then when you get called out, you immediately go to I'm a sad, unfunny old woman that isn't viable in my workplace. You have just shown that you are part of the problem that plagues women. And you've just played your last card. Have a great life, I hope you make it hard for all headliners to follow you for the rest of your life. FYI - I won the award in 92, I was home today because my child was sick and his father didn't want to take time away from work to care for him.
He goes on a long tirade that ends with him once again insisting that I’m just not a very good comic. But what he fails to understand is that doesn’t sting me. I’m a grown ass woman that knows my mind, even though sometimes I fail when expressing it. And I fail because I’m human. I thought about that young girl comic who’s feed I’m embarrassing myself on, who literally is on a comedy tour in South Korea having the experience of a lifetime, soaking in and questioning everything she sees and feels. Now she is going to wake up to two silly creatures who embroiled themselves in a Facebook war.
I didn’t respond back to his last insult, as someone has to back away. And I can at the very least, be proud of that - even though I did want to write, “I won my Comedy Award in 92, you know the same decade as all your jokes were first told by others. But I’ll have to settle with passively aggressively doing it for the pleasure of you folks.
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