Saved By A Queef

Last night during the show I asked a young woman if her divorce was hard on her. She replied, "Hell no, I got the truck, the baby and a ticket to Texas!" Sometimes, me thinks I should just shut the hell up...

That being said, for me divorce was terrible and three years later it still hounds me. For instance, the the other day, during the midst of getting wonderfully physical with the activity partner. I realized that when I look at him, I always just look at his mouth. 

First of all, here's the thing. Women, when we make love, we have about twenty five different scenarios and thoughts floating through our heads at same time. Sometimes they're simple thoughts like, "This Mother F*cker ought to wash his sheets a bit more often!" Or, we ponder over which Darren was our favorite Darren on Bewitched, when we were kids. Even as we are concentrating on satisfying our man to the hilt orally, it might cross our minds, the irony that String Theory disproves the Theory of Relativity, yet relies on the Theory Of Relativity in order to exist in the first place... (Talk about a mind f*ck.)

So there I was physically enjoying myself - when I tried to look into his eyes. I suddenly realized I couldn't do it. Looking into his eyes, makes me feel way to vulnerable and afraid. It makes me feel like a little girl, who's the last one standing on a playground, as two captains of a kick ball team bemoan the fact that neither of them think I'm good enough to even play.

It was at this point I understood, that I still might be a damaged piece of relationship meat, for quite awhile longer. In fact, I was about to tear up over that self realization, when I queefed. It was a loud one too. We both instantly laughed and threw ourselves gladly at each other even harder. I never thought I would say this during my lifetime... But seriously, I was saved by a queef!

Now on to serious stuff. What in the world is going on with Republicans!?!

Santorum says Obama's agenda isn't based on the bible. Hmm, that's what we need - a president who thinks Deuteronomy 22:28-29 is a good idea... (That's the whole passage, where a dude rapes a virgin, then the poor girl is forced to marry her attacker.. Pleasant stuff.)

Here's the screwed up thing. A new sex survey says Republicans have more orgasms then Democrats. They also tend to climax quicker when their partner purrs, "Mmm, deeper, slower... Like a coat hangar fishing for fertilized eggs!!!"

But sometimes, even I think that things in society are moving a bit too fast. For instance, now you can get the morning after pill in a vending machine!?! That's gotta make a girl feel lady-like. Does a person really need any more pressure on smoothing out an old buck? Rubbing it against their leg back and forth, then feeding it in slowly with both hands. Um, that's probably how they got in trouble in the first place...

On a completely different note... Attention all clothes designers: enough with the whole flowey off the shoulder bohemian look! It makes me feel like a whore, a "Golden Girl" and constantly askew!!!

Btw - here's my personal pet peeve about my children this week. It really irks me when they wait till I take a shower, then sneakily delete the past two seasons of True Blood on the tivo, so there's more room for MTV's Ridiculousness. Christ, how many times can they watch a dude fall off a skate board and get a popsicle right up his taint!?! Personally, for me, only a 126...