Recently I was asked to write a submission packet for Bill Maher. Of course I jumped at the opportunity, as I admire the hell out of Bill. Although nothing came of it, at least it got read. I wish I could say that I've never been the type of person that could swim uninterrupted against the tide of rejection, but that's nowhere near true. When I was younger, I would drown myself in it. Literally throw myself off it's edge and sink to the bottom, utterly surrendering my desire to fight. For weeks on end I would find myself staring at the refracted light of day through the murkiness of failure. Willing my breath to stubbornly stay still, letting the brush-off rush into my mouth, nose and mind. But that was then and at this point in life - it's crunch time. I just don't have the time to beat myself up. I tried my best, and if not this bit of writing then dammit, perhaps another. What can I say? I've grown up to be an optimist. This is only part of the submission. One of the requirements was to write 4-5 new rules and turn the last one into a rant of some sort.
New rule - no more “pop up” photo slideshows of the famous. If only because it makes
me feel like an ass. They other day I accidentally clicked on "28 Celebrities With
Unattractive Others." I'm not gonna lie, when couple 23 came up, I didn't know who to
be bummed for...Mathew Broderick or Sarah Jessica Parker.
New rule - no more swearing in U.S. officials on an iPad or e-reader with a digital copy of the bible. Recently a US official refused to be sworn in on one stating, "The problem is that you’re making an oath to everything on the device, not just the Lord almighty.” That just sounds to me like someone is more uncomfortable with displeasing their Tindr app then God. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you broke your vow to Tindr? That suddenly all your “matches” would only have the dreaded group photo, making it completely impossible to figure out who really wants to fuck you.
New rule - no more useless scientific studies of animals. Recently a pet food company sponsored a study to prove that cat owners are smarter than dog owners. Let me guess, did those same scientists also come to the conclusion that Cat owner’s houses smell more like moist, toxic, and glandular shit?
New rule - Since we are now bombing Syria, if westerners still want to travel abroad to join ISIS, we let them. A small part of homeland security solved. Recently two western teenage girls ran away to join the Islamic State. A government official said, “The bad news is they might be used as human shields. The good news, they’ll learn the hard way to stop saying ‘Ermehgawd, I have nothing to wear!” Poor teenage girls, don’t they realize that “clubbing” in Syria isn’t so much like dancing along to techno into the wee hours on the coast of Ibiza, but more like the coast of Canada during baby seal hunt season?
Teenage girls aren’t the only one enamored by ISIS, according to a senior U.S. government official, there is anywhere between 30 -100 Americans currently fighting and working in Syria for jihadist groups. Which surprises me, as I thought most Americans only liked working overseas if they were promised shorter work weeks and paid vacations. Even though there’s a civil war and a drought so severe it’s affecting food security, there’s a growing trend of entire families going on Jihadist vacations in Syria. And you thought Disney World charged a lot for a bottle of water. Now all the Islamic Brotherhood needs is a catchy advertising slogan along with a peppy jingle. “Syria Land, The Bloodiest Place on Earth.” For the parents who are willing to “UP” the ante of savoring every last moment they have with their child.
New rule - no more swearing in U.S. officials on an iPad or e-reader with a digital copy of the bible. Recently a US official refused to be sworn in on one stating, "The problem is that you’re making an oath to everything on the device, not just the Lord almighty.” That just sounds to me like someone is more uncomfortable with displeasing their Tindr app then God. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you broke your vow to Tindr? That suddenly all your “matches” would only have the dreaded group photo, making it completely impossible to figure out who really wants to fuck you.
New rule - no more useless scientific studies of animals. Recently a pet food company sponsored a study to prove that cat owners are smarter than dog owners. Let me guess, did those same scientists also come to the conclusion that Cat owner’s houses smell more like moist, toxic, and glandular shit?
New rule - Since we are now bombing Syria, if westerners still want to travel abroad to join ISIS, we let them. A small part of homeland security solved. Recently two western teenage girls ran away to join the Islamic State. A government official said, “The bad news is they might be used as human shields. The good news, they’ll learn the hard way to stop saying ‘Ermehgawd, I have nothing to wear!” Poor teenage girls, don’t they realize that “clubbing” in Syria isn’t so much like dancing along to techno into the wee hours on the coast of Ibiza, but more like the coast of Canada during baby seal hunt season?
Teenage girls aren’t the only one enamored by ISIS, according to a senior U.S. government official, there is anywhere between 30 -100 Americans currently fighting and working in Syria for jihadist groups. Which surprises me, as I thought most Americans only liked working overseas if they were promised shorter work weeks and paid vacations. Even though there’s a civil war and a drought so severe it’s affecting food security, there’s a growing trend of entire families going on Jihadist vacations in Syria. And you thought Disney World charged a lot for a bottle of water. Now all the Islamic Brotherhood needs is a catchy advertising slogan along with a peppy jingle. “Syria Land, The Bloodiest Place on Earth.” For the parents who are willing to “UP” the ante of savoring every last moment they have with their child.
ISIS is media savvy, you have to give them that. They are even going as far as to actively recruit for western brides online. Tweets, Facebook posts, and blogs are written by fellow western women already married to jihadi warriors. One blogger entices, “Men are the leaders & women are [so] special that Allah has given them an entire chapter in the Qur’an.” Don’t they know that there are 30 chapters in the Qur’an? Don’t they realize that only one woman is even mentioned by her actual name in the entire Qur’an? Maybe that’s why they don’t send their girls to school, because they’d eventually figure out the math. If I was a woman and wanted to go to a drought riddled land where women are losing the gender war, I’d go to Hollywood.
Terrorists are even using business social sites like LinkedIn to radicalize unemployed Muslims. Are Jihadist endorsing other Jihadists? “Abdullah has built a strong reputation as someone with vision, diligence and honor – someone who can really get a beheading done. He’s a delight and a pleasure to work with and rarely complains even when enslaving women and children.”
I like a lot of Americans want to know, is there an official offensive plan on the online battlefield for stopping ISIS in their social media tracks? Well, other than the State Department’s sad online counter propaganda initiative, “Think Again. Turn Away.” Which makes the old “Just Say No” initiative against taking drugs sound downright sexy and edgy. They even have their own YouTube channel which has churned out a huge number of videos. Meaning ten, all in-between 1 and 3 minutes long and look like they were edited together in a junior high computer class. Not to be undone, the accompanying twitter account has a tad over 11 thousand followers. Btw - weight guru Richard Simmons has 41 thousand followers. Is the NSA so wrapped up into snooping into what people type into their computers in the privacy of their own homes that they can’t google how to get more twitter followers?
First rule of thumb, hashtag everything #HatersGonnaHate, or at the very least “Rick-
Roll” every ISIS media outlet known to man. After all, It’s better to fuck with them and
troll them, then to acknowledge them. Because when the US Government
acknowledges them online, those terrorists can turn to their followers and say, “See, we
are as powerful as we think.”
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