Did Beyonce Steal A Dance move? Can Pippa Pull Off Plaid? Concealed Weapon's Bill Up For Vote! Guess which headline I clicked on first today? The correct answer is... Woman Sues Vibrator Company After Horrible Accident!!!
That being said, the news has been a bit crazy and all over the place this past week or so.. Every morning, after dropping my kittens off at school. I come home, enjoy my second cup of joe, and start reading the news for jokes. I usually write jokes about the headlines that don't immediately slip away from my thoughts, but hang around my neck like a noose until they are addressed. Here are a few that refused to budge.
Glenn Beck was again, fear mongering. Warning that the "radicals" of the "occupation," will drag everyone from Capitalists and Democrats alike into the streets and kill them. Um, I've been down to occupy L.A. twice and unless you're deathly allergic to the truth, the worst that could happen is getting grazed by a rogue hacky sack.
Apparently, some Amish have been attacked by a “rogue” faction from within their own over spiritual differences. The "home invasions" included beards and hair being cut from the victims. Maybe it's just me, but If the sun is down and you hear the clippity-clop of horse hooves coming up your driveway, it's either The Four Horses of the Apocalypse with news of the great tribulation, coming your way - or a mullet.
Then there was the story of a man arrested in a public park for masturbating violently. Really dude, do ya think that's what children really need to see - an outburst with an outburst!?! Rumor has it, he was heard screaming at his penis over and over, "FOR F*CKS SAKE, THE WORLD DOESN"T JUST REVOLVE AROUND YOU! ONLY MY HAND DOES!!!" Weird, right?
The stupidest headline this week was: Skydiving Sex? Bakersfield Couple Starts A New Mile High Club Here’s my practical questions... How can a woman keep enough moisture going during sex, when one's body is free falling to the rate of terminal velocity!?! I can barely do it during a heat wave with a ceiling fan set to low. And what if the guy slips out? I don't think a woman's vagina is supposed to face off against 200 mph of wind. And what if the parachute fails to open? I'd be so pissed if my uterus deployed, and I had to quickly learn how to manipulate the left part of my labia, in order to control the direction and speed for a safe landing.
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