Take Me To the Starbucks, BITCHES!

Transportation most of the time wasn’t a problem in Iraq, but we did spend an enormous amount of time waiting for the Blackhawk Helicopters to take us from camp to camp. Hurry up and wait was the mantra of the trip. Once, while we waited we were so bored we played the “Stripper Name Game.” To find one’s stripper name the rules according to the Internet go like this…

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

Now if I was going to follow the rules set above even a little, my name would’ve been something like Lightning Tight McCheeks - but let’s keep in mind that comics will be comics, so in no time my God given stripper name was immediately bastardized.

Btw – here is a loose rule on how some comics come up with a punch line. Real answer (Lightning Tight McCheeks) ÷ By most embarrassing weakness (I hate to use the Porta Potty) = Punch line… (Hence, my stripper name whilst in Iraq… Hurricane Latrina.)

The other comics are fascinated by constantly going to the PX. The only thing I found interesting was a Starbucks like chain of Coffee Huts called Green Beans, that always seemed to accompany the local PX. Their slogan is: Honor first, Coffee second. Their most popular drink is called the MOAC (The Mother of All Coffees.) The MOAC consists of 24 ounces of house blend coffee and four shots of espresso. For a moment, I thought to order one, but honestly the last thing the Colonel in charge needed, was me all hopped up in a Blackhawk screaming Tupac Lyrics out the gunner’s window… "Drop the drums, here it comes, only got two minutes to bounce, and every second counts!"

I think the Colonel sensed I was about to imbibe and quickly suggested that we all should visit the locally operated bizarre on the base. As we pulled up to the bizarre it reminded me of a mini mall – if it was made up of old shipping containers and guarded by Ugandan soldiers.

My eye immediately was caught up by one shipping container in particular – Future Word, Iraq’s version of BestBuy. One of our escorts leaned in and whispered to me, “You know Iraq doesn’t have any copyright laws.” Lickety split; I was out of the mini van quicker then a soccer mom, twenty minutes late for her little angel’s Midwest Regional Championship game.

Seconds later I found myself in front of the DVD section of the shipping container sweating over what to get – “Hot Chick” with Rob Schneider or “Babylon A.D.” with Vin Diesel. It did strike me as irony that I was in a shipping container in what was once ancient Babylon – decision made. Vin Diesel it is!

As I walked out of Future World I was already imagining my reunion with my kids. All of us cuddling in my king size bed for one of our infamous movie nights, munching on Orville Redenbacher Theater Butter popcorn and giggling with glee over such Vin Diesel lines like, “You need two things to live in this world, your balls and your word. You know the difference between you and me, Karl? I still got both...” And some people say I never think about my kidz!